Reminiscing through the seasons...

As the winter slowly fades away (or in Louisiana... fights for it's last few breaths of cold air before Spring leaps into being), so does another season in my life. In the past five years, I have come through many ups and downs, summers, springs, winters, and falls. It started in brokenness, moved forward into self achievement, into a faith I thought was strong and firm. When I married my husband, I went into it with a vision of what my life would look like, what our marriage would look like, how we should be or "look." I forget that I can't expect those around me to respond according to how I would. Shortly after I married, my husband rejoined the military. So my vision altered some to accommodate frequent moving, lots of adventures, travel, ahh... the beauty. WHOOPS-- I got pregnant. For those of you that knew me pre-pregnancy, you would probably remember someone who was very spontaneous, loved to laugh, flexible, usually rather organized and timely, a go-getter for the world and all it has in it. Well, pregnancy was my winter. I was very sick... and shortly after my beautiful daughter was born, I was bored. I know--- "how can you be bored with a new baby at home?" you might ask. In my mind... a place the devil often tries to manipulate... I was no longer independent, fun, sexy, carefree... and sadly, a lot of that was true. I blamed my husband, myself... I changed. I became very scattered, very untimely, and sadly, a bit rigid. Don't get me wrong, I loved my daughter, I just hated my life... it took me a while to figure that out. I blamed my husband for changing. I didn't like who he was or how he treated me. Although there is some truth in everything I felt, ultimately, I had to realize I also had changed. That realization came when I spent some time back home last winter. I took a vacation for my sister's baby shower. A no kid, no hubby, no dog, no house, no nothing, to go see my family, friends, my comfort home. I realized, I was a completely different person around them. I was fun, carefree, and happy. It had been a long time since I remembered feeling that way, with nothing to worry about. I realized that my husband didn't see the me he fell in love with very often either; our relationship problems were not all his fault. So I decided... it was time to get me back. Spring has arrived. I started searching for a job. (Actually had been trying for a year, but lowered my standards realizing I'd be happy in various different areas). But ultimately, I started pursuing a specific job that I really wanted and knew I would be good at. My husband and I started working on us and I began to enjoy my daughter with a new depth. But although things were looking up, I still searched for my meaning and my worth in how my husband treated me, saw me, loved me.... fill in a verb. Now, don't get me wrong, I know my worth ultimately comes from Abba Daddy up above; however, realistically, making that real in my heart has been a big challenge for the past 5 years... add an extra 30 pounds, some wrinkles, white pasty skin, and go from single sexy career woman to frumpy mommy, and it makes it kinda hard to feel God's beauty in your own self. And now comes my season of summer... beauty, warmth, fun, and a few mosquitoes, bug bites, and sun burns. I did get my job and so far, I'm loving it. I feel more alive. A sense of strength and power has been rekindled by being relied on by people that don't live in my home. And the battle has hit. I got in another argument with my beloved today. It wasn't pretty, and really, I left pretty hurt. And as I drove home, a good friend of mine sent me a text message reminding me to get in the Word and to PRAISE. Gosh-- it's been a long time since I really let go carefree to praise God the way He's owed. I drove some more and heard a song on the radio of a girl who's with the guy that only wants her when he needs something... that's how I feel VERY frequently... like the only time I am desired is when the house needs cleaning, an errand needs run, clothes need washed, a booty needs wiped, or someone is frisky... never just because I'm me. Just because I'm fun and funny and enjoyable. The song continued with, "I'm gonna love me better. I'm a stronger woman than this... I won't let it break me." WOAH--light bulb for me! That's what I'm gonna do... I'm not going to rely on anyone but my Abba Daddy and myself to be happy. (that's the goal anyway). I can do yard work, I can use a chain saw just like anyone else (hopefully), I can love me for me-- and God can do it too! He already does. He even reminded me today... as I was driving home from that particularly sad argument, I thought to myself, "God-- I am so tired of taking care of everyone else, I wish someone would just take care of me for once, without me having to ask..." SO- I get home, and my babysitter had cleaned the play room, my living room, and did all my dishes, cleaned my kitchen counters, swept, AND dumped my garbage... Literally, I broke down in tears... what an awesome reminder that He is listening. So-- ladies, and gents if there are any of you reading, I'm going to praise through the heat stroke of summer... I'm going to praise through the bites and burns, and find fresh water in my Abba Daddy and the blessings He pours into my life. Does it hurt sometimes, yeah, but I can make it through.
Although it is nice to feel loved AND liked by the people most important to you, it's important to love and like yourself... hmm... I think I have found a new idea for a song.. hmm... guitar? where are you guitar? neway-- sidetracked-- just remember when you feel let down, or alone, or unwanted, God wanted you first. Before you were born He formed you in your mother's womb... He knit together your inmost being... He knows you and loves you regardless of your flaws.