Well, the past few days have been rather interesting. Michael left for Florida again.. another 3 weeks away in the big party city... It is always hard for me when he goes, as I still struggle so deeply with trust issues and a lack of confidence in who I am to him. Mind you, Michael has never given me reason to doubt; however, isn't that just like Satan to take your past and try to apply it to your present situation? Usually, he is in a group of 9, most who have little respect for themselves or their spouses, and it is hard to know that he is surrounded by such a worldly environment. He always ends up driving when they are off in town, as he is usually the most sober man there... he is the one that keeps them out of trouble... as they call him, a beacon of light in a dark place. God's opening my eyes to some issues I've struggled with for ages... you see, it is not Michael's fault that my innocent trust has been shattered... he suffers for someone else's mistakes. There was once a time when I fully believed beyond a shadow of a doubt in trusting a man... but the past can leave trace scars and now I'm learning how to truly trust again with Michael. I think I'm finally past the "what's he doing, I'm inadequate" phase. I'm finally (at least as of this moment) in the "it really sucks that he is so frequently in such a crappy environment" phase. My goal is to whole heartedly get to the, "I can't wait to see what God's gonna do with him in that crap hole of a place" phase! I remember a time when the dirtiest, filthiest, crappiest, meanest people were the ones I wanted to know. I wanted to watch the prostitute get saved, the scandalous girl who only knew love through her body fall in love with Jesus, the adulterous man reunite with his wife... the addict give up their addictions. Now I struggle so much with my own fears, that I often try to keep Michael away from any of it... judging him instead of letting God move through him. I'm such a hypocrite sometimes. I know what it's like to be many of those "people" I've described, and I often forget where I come from. Michael described our calling well the other day when he told someone, "So often, we fall in love with Jesus, and us Christians, forget where we come from and judge and push and push away. Our desire is to meet people where they're at, and love them where they're at ... that they may see Jesus in us." WOW... I'm so blind sometimes at the greatness of the man I married. So... now that I'm aware of some deeper pieces to my struggle... I wanna be that fire bolt again. I wanna be on fire to save the world. Reach all! God's been using each passing moment, each time I open His life giving Word, to remind me of childish innocence. And I am just one more step closer to returning to that innocence again.
2 comments:
this is a fabulous post. i couldn't be gladder that stinkwad sing4joy linked me up- I can see already I'm going to love reading & then growing from what you have to say... thanks for sharing!
"Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things - and the things that are not - to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God - that is, our righteousness, holiness, and redemption. Therefore, as it is written, 'Let him who boasts boast in the Lord.'" 1 Corinthians 1:26-31
"Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things - and the things that are not - to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God - that is, our righteousness, holiness, and redemption. Therefore, as it is written, 'Let him who boasts boast in the Lord.'"
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